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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Tim Allen Would Be So Proud

If only



Everyone sets goals during deployments. It gives you something to strive for, something to keep you busy, and leaves you feeling accomplished (assuming you hit those goals).

There are some pretty common goals out there. Most spouses express a desire to lose weight or get in shape, some have more personal goals for themselves and others (like me) decide to try to tackle home improvement projects. Some women are super ambitious and set multiple goals. These ladies scare me in an I'm-impressed-but-I-can't-be-your-friend-or-I'll-look-lazy-in-comparison sort of way.

During last year's deployment I had new cabinets put in. I was extremely happy with these, since our house is severely lacking in storage space and the kitchen hasn't been updated since the 1960's. I kept it to myself and didn't breathe a word of it to Huzzy, expecting him to be overjoyed when he got home. Well, he was overjoyed when he got home, but it had nothing to do with the cabinets. He didn't give a damn about the cabinets. Oh well. I suppose when you return from deployment you have other things on your mind. You know, like spending quality time with your kids. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter already.

Anyway....

Huzzy has mentioned on more than one occasion that he wants to get the dining room floor sanded down and re-stained. I would love that too, since I'm pretty sure the last people that stained this hardwood floor were the people who installed it. There's literally no finish on my floor at all. It's all worn away over the years.

Unfortunately, (fortunately?) Huzzy is my own personal Tim-the-tool-man-Taylor. There are some things that Huzzy is awesome at fixing, and then there are the things he thinks he is awesome at fixing just because he read about them in a magazine or saw a picture online. Yikes.

This man is a danger to himself and everyone around him.


A couple years ago, Huzzy was working on something in the garage while I was at work. On my way home I got a text asking if we have a first aid kit. He refused to tell me what happened, and said he would be fine it wasn't a big deal. I swung by CVS and stocked up on gauze, peroxide and every other first aid supply I could find. When I got home Huzzy had man-fixed it. Which basically means he wrapped his bleeding hand with a wad of paper towels and duct taped it in place. Nice.

Later that same year he insisted on installing new attic stairs while I was out... I'm not sure if it happened before or after the new ones were installed, but at some point he managed to fall down the stairs and scrape the hell out of both arms. What Huzzy saw as a do-it-yourselfer's battle scars, I saw as another unnecessary brush with death.

He purposefully will wait until I am gone before doing anything remotely electrical, because he has this bad habit of "accidentally" electrocuting the people who help him. According to legend, he electrocuted his sister when they were younger, but she swears she doesn't remember it. In my mind that's just further proof that it did happen. He also zapped a friend of his who was helping fix the wiring in the nursery. The man cannot be trusted.

Where was I? Oh yes, the hardwood floors.

Since Huzzy is gone, I'm going to take care of the floors myself. I figure in the long run I'm still saving money on gauze, band-aids and therapy bills. Huzzy of course doesn't know, and won't find out until he comes home. And just like last time he probably won't notice for the first few days. If ever.

The only thing that bothers me is that after this deployment the Enterprise is getting decommissioned. Since he's staying on for the decommissioning and then going to shore duty, Huzzy won't be deploying for years. YEARS.

People, this means that any work I want to get done to the house is going to have to be done during his duty day. I'm going to be stuck on 24 hour limits to fix the house without the risk of bloodshed. Meanwhile, Huzzy has been collecting an assortment of tools to help him complete all his "projects" he'll soon be able to work on.

I'm doomed.