Dear Postal Service,
Let me start by saying thank you. I really do appreciate you bringing me the massive pile of mail I receive every month. I wish you could bring a few less bill, but it's cool I know that isn't in your control. I hope you don't mind the ridiculous number of magazine subscriptions we have here. On the bright side, I'm just helping you keep fit and strong. See? Bright side. I know you probably get annoyed with all the random samples and coupons as well, and I love that you still deliver them to me instead of just setting them all on fire in front of my house. You rock.
And I REALLY appreciate you putting up with all the stuff I mail when Huzzy goes on deployment. I know last year was rough, I expected quite a bit from you and you performed admirably. He got every single package and letter I gave you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Those meant the world to him (and me).
I do have one teeny tiny problem that needs to be addressed. You see, I don't actually work for you. I have never received a paycheck from you, and I do not see that changing any time soon. That said, I'm a little at a loss here as to why you continue to bring me mail from all over my neighborhood. Perhaps you just trust me to deliver it on your behalf. I do appreciate the thought, but I promise I have better things to do. I have a 19-month-old at home that simply refuses to dress/feed/take care of herself. I'm working on it, but it's slow going. Until she is able to manage I'm forced to take the position of mommy and guardian unless I want someone to call CPS on me. I'm hoping to avoid that for at least another 6 months.
Maybe you just want me to get out and be more sociable with my neighbors. I accept that I'm not exactly on the welcoming committee here, and I barely know some people by sight let alone name. Thanks to you I have been able to get to know perfect strangers from blocks away that I've been able to avoid until now. I don't even have to spend hours getting to know them because they already know how reliable I am. After all, I don't keep their mail and packages, I dutifully deliver it to them the same day I receive it. I'm awesome, I know.
If it were simply a couple letters here and there I think I would be less concerned. However, today I had to deliver a rather expensive order from Amazon.com to a neighbor that lives 4 blocks away. I'm not really sure how you messed that one up to be honest. She was very happy to get her package safe and sound. Last year (that sounds like a long time ago but remember it's only February) I had to deliver a package of pills to an elderly neighbor two streets over. No, I didn't open it. The crappy plastic white envelope and suspicious noise within kind of gave it away. The woman was extremely happy to get her medicine and told me that she only had one more day's worth of pills. I guess she's just lucky I'm not some crazy pill-popping lunatic.
In conclusion, I do thank you for this great level of trust you've bestowed on me, but unless you are planning on mailing me a paycheck I would rather you delivered the mail correctly.
Your overworked customer
PS - I'm totally willing to bribe you with cookies and other assorted baked goods if you would at least stop giving me other people's medications. <3